From now on you will no longer let your feelings be determined by anything your Ex says or does. You, and only you, are responsible for your feelings and actions. It isn't your fault when you are down, or anyone else's, but it is your responsibility to get back up. But first, if you've been wounded, you have to heal.

When times are hard, pay special attention to your body. Take care of it; relax it; be good to it. Eat well, get healthy, Slow down, be quiet, hole up, nest. Get a massage, work on those knots. Feeling bad isn't so bad if you don't feel bad about it. Just let it happen; it's proof you're alive and learning.

This might be a good time to get some third person to listen, observe, give you feedback and advice. That's what professional family counselors are trained to do, or clergy who are trained in counseling. How to choose a counselor are discussed in Who Can I Call?.

Friends are wonderful moral support, but take advice only from people with wisdom, training and experience. Being a friend and caring about you doesn't make that person qualified to give good advice. If a friend is helping you get worked up, andgy, dwell on grievances or wallow in unhappiness, spend more time with other people.

Tips for Getting Through a Tough Time

        Adapted from material developed by Sharon Baker,
        family counselor in Rancho Palos Verdes, CA

1.  You can expect to go through a cycle of

• Shock and denial
• Anger and depression
• Understanding and acceptance

Then it goes around and around, many times, between anger/depression and acceptance. After a time, acceptance becomes stronger and lasts longer.

2.  Let your attention focus on your loss. It’s a good way to understand your pain. There is a message in your pain that will lead to solutions. Pain can give you motivation and energy to bring about changes.

3.  Seek quiet and rest. Take extra good care of yourself. Exercise, eat properly, keep life as simple as possible.

4.  Acknowledge and express your feelings. Talk to someone who knows how to listen. Keep a journal.

5.  Seek out support from friends, family, clergy, divorce or crisis support groups, counselors. Spend time with happy people and people who make you feel confident and good.

6.  Stay aware. Do not try to alter or numb your feelings with substances, such as alcohol, drugs, or overeating. Do try to escape into other relationships. Take time off from dating until you feel centered and whole in your own life.

7.  Be realistic in what you expect from yourself. It's normal to have mood changes, to feel confused, to have mixed feelings about your spouse.

8.  Have faith in your beliefs and in yourself. Remember to be grateful for what you do have. Having life, you are a miracle of creation. You are alive, you can feel, you can learn, you can grow.

9.  Work. Enjoy the benefits of a daily schedule and of accomplishment, especially in the small changes you are gradually adding to your life to make it better.

10.  Be good to yourself. Take time to be with adults and enjoy social activities when you are ready.

Trying to heal and regain your center is like any other goal—something you work toward, but you don’t beat yourself up every time you fall short. Just try your best, keep trying, and pretty soon you'll start to feel better, things will get smoother, and your future will start to look brighter.