I need some time to help you make your situation better. You can read the entire Guide in a couple of hours, but it will take some time to think about it and take some of the steps I recommend. Do we have a few weeks for this?

As a family law attorney for over 35 years, I tell you that unless you face a serious emergency like the ones described in my article, What's an emergency?, then:

  The worst thing you can do is run to an attorney before you are better informed and prepared, which will be discussed in this Guide.

  Divorce problems are almost never legal, they are almost always about personalities, emotional stress and upset.

  There are no—zero, not any—solutions for personal problems in law, in court, or in a lawyer's office. In fact, taking a divorce right into court is certain to make things much worse rather than better.

  After you take the steps I recommend, if you still have trouble working out terms with your Ex, you don't need an attorney, you need a mediator. Later, I'll explain your other options, other things you can do.

  Already in court? If your case is already in court, there are specific things you can do to help guide your case away from court battle and toward negotiated or mediated or arbitrated settlement. Keep reading.

The things you can do for yourself are far superior to anything an attorney can do for you. I will show you why court is not good for you, your family, your health or your bank account and what specific things you can do to make your situation better, no matter how bad it may seem. I will tell you how to settle things down, reduce conflict, solve problems, negotiate a fair agreement about children, property, debts and money, But this takes some time, so . . .

Your first job is to find a way to make yourself safe and secure for at least a few weeks, maybe a few months. You need time to let things settle down, get centered in a new direction, let your spouse and children adjust to changes, and . . .

You need time to read and think about the things I am going to tell you.

You need time to take some important early steps that are described in my Pre-divorce Checklist.

What's the hurry—children? money? Apart from needing to get on with your life, or make a bold declaration of independence, the most common and deeply felt sources of urgency are about children and money. How will the bills get paid? When will I get to see my children? How will we share parenting? What will happen to assets, accounts?

It will be hard to find peace and work out terms for anything unless you can make some arrangements, at least temporary ones, about children and money. Later I will explain the best way to go about doing this with a link to a sample temporary agreement.

Money. For things you can do about money in the early stages of divorce, read my article, Funding the separation.

Debts. If debts are weighing heavily, read my article, Dealing With Debts.

Children. If you have minor children and you're worried about parenting arrangements, read my article, Parenting in the Early Stages.

Taxes. Some people think it is important to have their divorce final by December 31 so they can file as a single tax status in the coming year instead of filing a joint return or married filing separately. However, whatever you might gain with single tax status counts for little compared to what it can cost if by rushing you push your case into a legal contest. Taking your time is almost always better.

Parting thoughts

  Don't talk to your spouse about divorce until you learn how to reduce conflict, create a foundation for negotiation, and negotiate effectively.

  Don't go to an attorney until you are better informed and prepared—unless you face an emergency. Read What's an emergency? Before you visit an attorney, you want to have already organized all the facts and documents in your case (see chapter below, "Getting Organized") and learned what you can and cannot expect from an attorney. To learn about various types of attorneys and other services, read Who Can I Call?